The ambiguity of trust

We will all be surprised at some point in our life. There will be good surprises, and there will be bad surprises. There will be surprises that make our face glow and our heart skip a beat. We will cry with happiness from some surprises. We will shed tears of joy when we discover certain news. We will experience times in our life that make us overly optimistic, and we will also share times in our life with people who truly move us in a direction of gratitude and hopefulness. The moments in our life that are filled with positivity and opportunity will keep us excited and fill our hearts and souls to the brim.

While we will often be overwhelmed by experiences of joy, we will also and unfortunately experiences surprises of absolute pain and betrayal. These surprises will break us down, and probably harass us into our rawest, purest and most fragile form. But, when we find the strength to crawl out of the darkness and put ourself back together, remind ourselves that we are better than maybe we were told, or stronger than maybe we thought, we will find support wherever we can, with our friends or our family, or maybe strangers or simply from within ourselves, and we will build ourself back up. Surprises of heartache or complete betrayal and astonishment will break us, but this is when we get the bravery and the opportunity to build ourselves up into something stronger, smarter and more independent than we were before.

I have lived my entire life, based on how I was raised and taught, and how I have overall experienced life thus far, in a role of honesty and kindness. I have always believed that life is too short to truly treat people badly or with anger. I have been told once or twice in my life that I am a “soft-spoken” person. I am not exactly sure if that really captures the way I think about myself, yet I will also take that as a compliment. A compliment in a sense that I speak of people in the best way I see them. I try not to capture the dark sides of anybody, and hold onto the positive attributes they carry with them. This can be a good quality, but this can also be a terrifying quality that sustains a sense of naivety. There is a fine line between wanting to see the best in everybody, and actually seeing the best in everybody. You can believe the persona you see, and you can trust what you feel, but to be able to wholesomely be vulnerable and regress into a pure state of hopeful pursuit is an adventure of inadequate fear. Trust begins easily, yet what I have learned throughout my life is that as we become more trusting we also become more vulnerable. We have to be careful who we trust. That might be the most terrifying part of life.

Be hopeful for the best, but more importantly be cautious of how one image can become so brutally dishonest. Be open to trusting people, but have a constant fear of not knowing what can happen in an instant. How people can change, or what people are hiding. Never fully trust, until you absolutely feel like you have no other option than to let another person hold your heart, your bear heart in their hands. Your soul will never be fully vulnerable until you let go of fear and truly trust.

We will all experience surprises in our life, surprises that make our heart skip a beat out of pure joy and some, that sink our heart so deep into abandonment. Sometimes surprises will make you fly, and sometimes all you can do to feel normal again, is run.

I have a strong desire. A desire to live freely, happily, fully and safely. A desire to feel wholesome and travel and be accepted and accept other people. When any and all of these aspects of life, aspects of choice and freedom are taken from me, I feel lost. But when the most important aspect, of safety abruptly becomes foreign, you lose a piece of you that you do not know how to get back. I have put myself in situations where maybe I should feel a bit unsafe, but I have not felt a true feeling of fear until it was from somebody I loved.

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