It has been just over one year since I have lived in Colorado. After this year, I can truly say that “I feel”.
It is so difficult to really describe and put into words how my life has changed in this past year. I think the simplest way to put it, is that I finally just feel. I truly have begun to feel real emotions, wholesomely. I understand happiness, so much. I know the feeling of true comfort in location. To be comforted by scenery and the environment that surrounds you. I have found safety and comfort in the mountains. I have found energy in the sun. I have found health in the air and freedom from the sky. The mystery in the clouds and the inevitable reconstruction of my soul has become alive, standing tall in the trees. There is destruction, yet there is growth in the pine trees. There is a constant anticipation in the aspens. They are beautiful and the color that they will shed brings joy. There is encouragement, yet bitter disbelief in the frigid mountain water. The clean crispness brings my body to life, and the varying shades of blue calm my mind and lift my spirits higher, everyday.
This place has become my constant therapy.
Not only have I began to trust my location I have also learned that the freedom and the soul searching that I have longed for becomes alive in my ability to go places. There are endless destinations. Knowing that is what keeps my mind at ease. To know that I can always go somewhere new is exciting and offers residual anticipation for what is next.
I have not only found trust and safety in where I am, I have learned to accept my ambivalent nature. My tendency to be unknowing of what I want, what I need and where I am going. That is me. We are not the same. We all feel differently, and we all are ashamed of ourselves at times. I have been known to be ashamed of my uneasiness in this life of legendary hope and adventure. What is a life worth if you cannot be yourself. I am insecure. I am indecisive. I am hopeless and I am a wanderer. I go where I shouldn’t. I say what I want. I do what feels right. I don’t always think. Sometimes I think too much, way too much. But, it is the uneasy tendency to feel inadequate that allows me to pursue my weaknesses, and push my boundaries. I feel insecure, and I feel dishonesty to my own soul. I feel self hate. I do not enjoy this. But, it pushes me to be a better version of myself. I feel lonely. And without the times alone, I would never feel fulfilled with another. It is the times together that make the times of disheartening salvation worth the pain, the sorrow.
If I could live my every moment in happiness and fulfillment, I would not. That is unfair. Unfairness to the mind, the heart and the undiscoverable fortune of the future. You cannot ever know what is coming for certain. You cannot trust the past or the future. It is the present times that you can trust the most, as they are ever-changing. Take me to a time I can trust, and I will never trust again. Change is always happening. The opposite emotions are the absolute territorial rhythms of the world. We would never know love without hate, trust without deceit or balance without imbalance. We would never know the right without the wrong. Let me take you on a path of misery before I can trust you with my certainty. I love you, but that is only because I have hated you, even just momentarily. I want you now, because at one time I did not. I need you because I did not need you before. I believe you now because I was once haunted by your absolution. I am engulfed in this journey with you because at one time you were so incoherently uncommon to me. You are different to me now, because of how you were then. We change and we grow. We embrace and we let go. We are indifferent to our meaningful reconstruction of our image and our identity. Take me away with you because at one time I would never let you do so.
Let me find a reason for survival because at one time I was barely holding on. Let me hurt so I can salvage in the reckoning need for purpose. I will move now, because I was once so stuck.
Let me feel and let me live with feeling in me, because at one time I felt nothing and I did not know how to feel again.
I dare you to find your happiness and truly let yourself feel again.