It is easy to forget how much we have done with our lives, by continuously searching for what is next, what makes each day worth it and what we will do now to make tomorrow progressive and feel like an achievement. This is good, but can also be disappointing. It is impossible to feel progressive every single day. But, in order to feel as if we are making achievements and creating a life, it is important to look back and be proud and grateful for what we have accomplished.
For me, 2014 was a year of battling with myself. It was a year that I felt lost and confused a lot. It was a year that I felt like running and hiding. It was a hard year. But it was also an amazing year. It was a year of accomplishment and a year of change. It was a year of big moves, and a year of fulfilling parts of me that needed to be fulfilled. This year taught me so much. It made me weaker yet stronger. It made me lost yet found. This year made me hate myself sometimes and love myself at other times. It made me sad and happy, tired and energized. I have felt as if I failed this year, yet I have also felt determined and as if I have made progress and accomplished goals. I must not forget that for every time I feel wrong, as if I am not where I am supposed to be or doing what I should be doing, I must remember that I am not where I was a year ago. I am better. I have made moves and I have learned so much.
This year I learned the most about my independent self.
There comes times when we must dig deeper than we ever have to understand what it is we truly want, where we must go, who we must keep in our lives and maybe who we must let go of. There are times in our lives when we cannot get the answers we are looking for from other people, and we must count only on ourselves to make the right decisions. The decisions we make in times like these, are never fully right. The reason we make the wrong decisions often, is because we are unintentionally teaching ourselves life’s lessons.
Ever since we were tiny tiny humans we have been taught what to do and what not to do. When we get to the point in our lives when we truly realize that we are the holders of all our life’s lessons, we have grown miraculously. Not everybody gets to this point. Too many people are trapped in a version of themselves that looks to other people for the answers. It is difficult to realize that there is no rule book to “life’s lessons”, and when we truly understand that every lesson corresponds differently to every person, we can begin to teach ourselves how to live our lives the way we want, and the way that makes the most sense to us, individually.
Of course we learn things throughout our lives, from our moms and dads, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, coaches, friends. We learn from all of these people. We take advice from them. We give them advice. We envy them, copy them, we create models in our mind of who we should be like in order to be the “correct version of ourselves”, or the version of ourselves that “fits in” or looks and acts right. The concept of understanding that there is no right and wrong in this crazy world of insignificant others is almost impossible to grasp. We are built up to be certain people. We are built to look certain ways, to accept certain people, to judge other people for looking and acting a certain way. The most dangerous form of judgement that we have learned is not that of our peers or our loved ones, but the judgement of ourselves.
When we learn to stop judging the way we are, individually, we will learn to love ourselves, which in turn will open us up to loving the opportunities at our hands. To open our hearts to ourselves will teach us to open our hearts, our ears, our minds and our arms to others, and we will have the power to teach our independent self to grasp the hands of those who long to find their independent souls, and together we can remember who we have been and what will be, as a whole.
The most important piece of my independent self that I have learned to love, is my need to write, and my need to inspire other people with my words. This year I learned to trust myself and trust that other people listen. To know that not everybody cares and some people think what I say is dumb, is what I have accepted, and to know that I have touched just one person in a positive light, is enough for my whole year.